There is always that guy; the one guy who makes you question every other guy. The one that makes you want him more than anyone else. It seems like this guy never really appreciates you and never actually sees you. I met this guy, and until last night, I never even knew how much I liked him, and now I sit here completely angry, disgruntled, and frustrated. Not just with him, but with me also.
So he is older than me, but smart and attractive. He has his life together...well for the most part. He is in control, most of the time, and he has some style to him. The first date with him was relaxed; we just talked and watched football, I felt comfortable. Then he fed me his leftover dinner before I went to Lopez, and he came over with wine and took pictures of the scenery out my window. It was cute watching him be so immersed with his photography, and he explained to me how it worked. I liked feeling included. Then he told me I was beautiful and graceful. That took me by surprise. No one has ever said that to me before.
Things got weird suddenly. I guess I felt like there was more, I felt like he liked me and wanted more, but I was wrong. Then it seemed like we were bickering more than talking and then we just stopped talking. I remember getting mad because he at times can be an asshole and I just stopped caring. Then I missed him and had to call. So I sent him a message wishing him well and inviting him out to see me sing, and he said he would come.
That night was weird. He was sending odd yet rude text messages, but when he got there I couldn't really help but be happy to see him. I hate that he makes me happy. Then talking to him was easy again, like always. He asked why I hadn't been around for a while, and he explained why he hadn't been around and then that was really it. He went to the bar and didn't really come back. When I met up with my friends later that night I saw him sitting at the bar and then he got up to talk to a friend and the whole time he was just watching me. I don't get it. Just staring at me, like I was something special.
Then it suddenly hit me...I like him, a lot. What the heck, why? He can be such a jerk and so selfish...How can I like him? He knows it too and he was asking questions trying to lead me to say it, but I am stubborn and wont budge. I have this stupid head over heels crush on someone I will probably never have or will probably never feel the same way. He either, one, likes me and just is too afraid to try, or two, he likes knowing someone really likes him even though he doesn't feel the same way. Either way, I need to let it go.
The worst part, I haven't felt this chemistry or connection with most men I have dated but with him its different. I get all giddy and excited and I can't stop smiling because I like how he looks at me and watches me and even how he analyzes me. Yet I'm so confused and almost lost at what to do with the situation, because one side of me really enjoys being around him, while the other just screams to run away.
You know what though? Maybe "heartbreak" or "stealing my heart" aren't the correct phrases to use, because I don't love him not even close, but I feel this connection and pull towards him, its almost magnetic. I feel like there is something there, I just don't know what, and although one part of me is telling me to stay away, there is this huge part telling me to keep him around. It really is a battle...