Friday, June 25, 2010

The Ex

I sometimes wish I could go back and time and change the sequence of events that led to the separation of my ex. I feel like through the separation it was just an up and down roller coaster. I don't know if I know exactly what I would change. Maybe deep down I would change ever being with him, maybe I would have never gotten married. It would have made things easier and better. I try to think and make myself realize that I wouldn't be where I am today without going through all the trials I did, but at the same time, I almost think it would be worth forgetting and not experiencing those times.

I lost so many friends, family, and so many horrible untrue things were said about me. I feel like when I go home I am just being judged, in fact, home isn't home anymore. I hate going back there. I hate running into people who know me. I hate how fake people are to me there, and that they take sides instead of just appreciating who someone is.

I thought things with my ex would get better. That we could be friends again. We have been through so many hard times and I respect him and we grew from each other, or so I thought. In the end it is like he wants me around as his friend then he changes his mind and completely brings me down. He will almost make me feel like I am the most horrible person in the world.

The worst thing is at times, I feel like I have no one to turn to, even though I do, it's those people who have known me forever who are gone. I totally respect and love those who have been there for me my whole life and even the new friends that help me pick myself up when I fall but I just wish, sometimes, I could have those people in my life that have known me from day one.

Some days, like today, I just need a hug. A real genuine hug. Someone who loves me and cares about me for all that I am and all that I have gone through. I am tired of fighting and trying to prove who I am. I don't have anything to prove I am me and always have been me and granted I have made some horrible choices in my life, I have learned to pick myself up from those times and make myself better for me and for my son.

The worst is hearing from the person you were with for 3 years, married to, have a kid, had a house, had a life, and all they do is put you down and tell you things about you that aren't true. "you never loved me" " tell me if you left me for someone else" "we could never be friends" "You have never given a damn about me or our relationship". It's like this never ending hole I am trying to climb out of, and it makes me regret. Then things like "I wish you would hurt" or " you have no idea how you made me feel" "I wanted to kill myself because of you". It's like I am this continual disappointment. I often wonder when it ends. If there is a way to just run away for a bit and forget about the past. Even if its just for a day. A day to just not think.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I have felt very spent by men lately. I feel like most men are just fake and lie, and granted I realize that sometimes I can play a pretty mean game on these men at the same time I always give them a certain level of respect. Let me clarify my game though; I am not quite ready for a serious relationship, so instead of settling down with one I keep a bunch around and date many at the same time. I just can't seem to find someone who fits what I want. There have been, maybe, two men I have seen that I would want to be exclusive with but in the end, I end up just waiting.

The latest was a man I was set up to date. Every time him and I get together and hang out, we have a great time. We seem to have a lot to talk about and we end up laughing and joking most of the night. I noticed though that he has a consistency of flaking out and creating these crazy excuses. Granted they may be true but for the most part they seem pretty drawn out. I do enjoy his company though, but for that main reason I could never let it go to the next step with him. Last night's excuse was one that just made my night horrible. He had been texting and calling all day to make sure we were still going on the date and to confirm the time to come. So, after I got back from my run I hurried to get ready in time for when he was suppose to show up. 9:30 pm goes by, 30 minutes late....So I send him a text. Nothing for a while then a phone call at around 10:00 saying that his grandma's alarm went off at her house and he is just running by to check it out and then he will be on his way. 10:30 goes by haven't heard from him so I shoot him a text just letting him know that I hope everything is ok but I am going to try and get some stuff done because I'm going out of town tomorrow. He shoots me another text saying how sorry he is and that after the cops leave he will call me and let me know if he can make it out here. NOT once the rest of the night did I receive a text, nothing.

This is just one of many of his excuses. His last excuse was that all three of his cars broke down. The weird thing is we still have gone on two dates but I have this weird feeling that maybe he has a girlfriend or something he is hiding. I will still be his friend, but needless to say, I will probably not schedule another date with him.

I now feel as though trusting someone is just a horrible idea. I spent a weekend back with this one guy just hanging out with mainly him. He mainly hung out with me and took care of me over my birthday weekend. Him and I have had our times together over a year ago and every time we hang out and I leave the next thing i know he is back with his girlfriend. It's absolutely ridiculous. At least for my sake it is something I learned about him rather quickly. Apparently he is an egotistical musician who thinks he is better than everyone. Sadly I think that is what attracted me to him in the first place, how strong and sure of himself he was, but I also don't like being the go-to girl with things get bad for him or because he is lonely.

So basically after the last few weeks of just disappointment after disappointment, I think I may take a break from the dating world for a bit. Well, at least the expectations of the dating world.