Tuesday, January 4, 2011

1st post of the New Year... Where I stand...

I will start by saying what a crazy new year! I had a lot happen just over New Years day and New Years Eve. I not only had a bisexual woman hitting on me, I also had my ex boyfriend there, and an ex crush of mine as well. It was an awkward few days. I think for the first time though I will stay away from the crazy story of the New Years (i know i know, but out of respect for those people I will keep this one private). Instead, I am going to tell you what I learned.

For the first time i think this light went on in my head and things just clicked and I realized that being happy and loving someone for all of who they are and not only that but KNOWING I myself deserve the best and i need to accept that when it's it right in front of my face instead of always trying to find something greener on the other side or picking out someones flaws. I spent a lot of time that weekend sifting through my emotions and my feelings. I felt as if my heart with a ball of yarn that hand been knotted into a terrible mess.

So, through the alcohol, explosion of emotions, crazy spontaneous actions, headaches, awkward moments,ect. I took a personal look at myself and the people around me. I decided to forgive the few around me that had a hold on my heart and I decided to let go of one of them. I decided not once had I ever felt as important to this person as he felt to me, I realized I wasn't really much of anything. If I wasn't much of anything to him, what would my life, my child, my future ever mean to him? The answer was nothing.

Now I know for a fact I am not perfect, I am not the most beautiful woman in this world, I am not the best singer, artist, and I am definitely not the best person in this world. I do know though, that I am an amazing person at heart though. I love my friends and family more than anything in the world, and I also have a love and kind heart for those that I have never met. With that being said, I NEED someone who is the same. Someone who thinks the same, and appreciates life the way I do.

My last day on my vacation was spent with someone I am starting to consider my best friend. I have known him for a long time and he is definitely someone who (in a good way) scares me and has since this "relationship" began. I can see longevity, love, friendship, and kindness in him. He is probably one of the most amazing men I know. Granted he isn't perfect (although through my drunken conversations I believe I told him he was) he still is amazing, very unique, very much an individual. I like that a lot, and I think that scares me.

I have been through so many heart aches and I found myself closing myself off to people. I would date and it wouldn't work because I found reason for it not to work. I found reason to make them just friends and nothing more. OR they found reason to make me just a friend or to push me away. I can honestly say love and commitment scare me!

Back to my last day, I spent it with this man, this great person. We talked and laughed and I have always known how I felt about him but for the first time I sat in the car and stared out the window and decided I am going to have to jump in if I ever want to be loved and love someone back completely. I know I love him, I really do I just never imagined I could really let myself go for someone. So I found myself pushing him away and I never realized it until this weekend. I had envisioned love being something else, and he told me before "I expected someone to not make mistakes". So here it is after 2 years of being single and confused about relationships and love and men and me!! I love this man I truly do. I know it might not be forever and I know it may be hard as hell and I know in the end I could end up with my heart shattered; BUT I am going to give this one a solid try I am actually going to see where this goes and let this things called "love" show me the way for once.