Saturday, November 27, 2010

Making Choices

So today I am going to drift away from my funny dating stories, kind of try to hit a more serious topic. Things I think I have realized is leaving someone you like, someone you want things to work with is probably the hardest things ever. It is like in the back of you mind you question if you are making the right choice and debating whether things will get better or not.

I have made two hard choices in the last 2 years regarding relationships. One of the hardest was to leave my ex-husband. That was seriously the hardest choice ever. I mean, he was my best friend and for about 4 years he was the one I spent almost every moment with. Then I realized we weren't happy at all that we were trying to live a life to make each other happy and putting our happiness at jeopardy. We forgot how to love each other, and we forgot how to care about each other. Do I know if I made the right choice. Not 100%. Honestly I think we tried the most we THOUGHT we could. I think we both gave up at the end. I think for the first time, though, I started thinking about how things were comfortable with him and how he really knew me. Even though we were unhappy some of the time, we seemed to be more of a team. I know that I want to be a team with someone I decide to be with again.

Just recently I had to make another hard choice. I wouldn't say one of the hardest, but I had to make a choice to leave a relationship I was in, with someone I thought maybe could be someone I could actually try again with. I felt like one day I woke up and was putting myself right down the same path of being unhappy again, basically settling for a relationship where giving up and just having a repetitive relationship was inevitable, again. I felt like i was expecting to much of him and trying to change him. I felt I also wasn't getting enough from him in return. I don't want to change someone though, I don't want someone to feel obligated to call me, spend time with me, be around me, or anything along those lines. I want someone who just wakes up (most times haha) thinking about me. Someone who when they look at their phone thinks about calling me. I am not looking for a fairy tale either because I know that is just not even possible, but I just want someone to actually want me and try for me, just as hard as I am trying for them.

Honestly I want to see if it is possible for me to fall in love again. It seems to me when something goes wrong I give up and put up a wall and then honestly just know that things are done. I feel quite heartless lately, almost like I might care more about protecting myself than giving someone else a chance. I am getting older and learning more and more but I feel like opening as a friend is easier for me than opening up as a lover and a partner. I feel like I am just holding so much in.

I am going to quote myself in this post:

Relationships can be complicated, even friendships. Realizing what you need and what you don't need, learning to give and take at the right times, understanding each other, communicating with each other. I wish at times I knew the right choices to make and the right way to turn, and today I feel like I might be at another fork in the road....

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