Friday, June 25, 2010

The Ex

I sometimes wish I could go back and time and change the sequence of events that led to the separation of my ex. I feel like through the separation it was just an up and down roller coaster. I don't know if I know exactly what I would change. Maybe deep down I would change ever being with him, maybe I would have never gotten married. It would have made things easier and better. I try to think and make myself realize that I wouldn't be where I am today without going through all the trials I did, but at the same time, I almost think it would be worth forgetting and not experiencing those times.

I lost so many friends, family, and so many horrible untrue things were said about me. I feel like when I go home I am just being judged, in fact, home isn't home anymore. I hate going back there. I hate running into people who know me. I hate how fake people are to me there, and that they take sides instead of just appreciating who someone is.

I thought things with my ex would get better. That we could be friends again. We have been through so many hard times and I respect him and we grew from each other, or so I thought. In the end it is like he wants me around as his friend then he changes his mind and completely brings me down. He will almost make me feel like I am the most horrible person in the world.

The worst thing is at times, I feel like I have no one to turn to, even though I do, it's those people who have known me forever who are gone. I totally respect and love those who have been there for me my whole life and even the new friends that help me pick myself up when I fall but I just wish, sometimes, I could have those people in my life that have known me from day one.

Some days, like today, I just need a hug. A real genuine hug. Someone who loves me and cares about me for all that I am and all that I have gone through. I am tired of fighting and trying to prove who I am. I don't have anything to prove I am me and always have been me and granted I have made some horrible choices in my life, I have learned to pick myself up from those times and make myself better for me and for my son.

The worst is hearing from the person you were with for 3 years, married to, have a kid, had a house, had a life, and all they do is put you down and tell you things about you that aren't true. "you never loved me" " tell me if you left me for someone else" "we could never be friends" "You have never given a damn about me or our relationship". It's like this never ending hole I am trying to climb out of, and it makes me regret. Then things like "I wish you would hurt" or " you have no idea how you made me feel" "I wanted to kill myself because of you". It's like I am this continual disappointment. I often wonder when it ends. If there is a way to just run away for a bit and forget about the past. Even if its just for a day. A day to just not think.

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