I will start by saying what a crazy new year! I had a lot happen just over New Years day and New Years Eve. I not only had a bisexual woman hitting on me, I also had my ex boyfriend there, and an ex crush of mine as well. It was an awkward few days. I think for the first time though I will stay away from the crazy story of the New Years (i know i know, but out of respect for those people I will keep this one private). Instead, I am going to tell you what I learned.
For the first time i think this light went on in my head and things just clicked and I realized that being happy and loving someone for all of who they are and not only that but KNOWING I myself deserve the best and i need to accept that when it's it right in front of my face instead of always trying to find something greener on the other side or picking out someones flaws. I spent a lot of time that weekend sifting through my emotions and my feelings. I felt as if my heart with a ball of yarn that hand been knotted into a terrible mess.
So, through the alcohol, explosion of emotions, crazy spontaneous actions, headaches, awkward moments,ect. I took a personal look at myself and the people around me. I decided to forgive the few around me that had a hold on my heart and I decided to let go of one of them. I decided not once had I ever felt as important to this person as he felt to me, I realized I wasn't really much of anything. If I wasn't much of anything to him, what would my life, my child, my future ever mean to him? The answer was nothing.
Now I know for a fact I am not perfect, I am not the most beautiful woman in this world, I am not the best singer, artist, and I am definitely not the best person in this world. I do know though, that I am an amazing person at heart though. I love my friends and family more than anything in the world, and I also have a love and kind heart for those that I have never met. With that being said, I NEED someone who is the same. Someone who thinks the same, and appreciates life the way I do.
My last day on my vacation was spent with someone I am starting to consider my best friend. I have known him for a long time and he is definitely someone who (in a good way) scares me and has since this "relationship" began. I can see longevity, love, friendship, and kindness in him. He is probably one of the most amazing men I know. Granted he isn't perfect (although through my drunken conversations I believe I told him he was) he still is amazing, very unique, very much an individual. I like that a lot, and I think that scares me.
I have been through so many heart aches and I found myself closing myself off to people. I would date and it wouldn't work because I found reason for it not to work. I found reason to make them just friends and nothing more. OR they found reason to make me just a friend or to push me away. I can honestly say love and commitment scare me!
Back to my last day, I spent it with this man, this great person. We talked and laughed and I have always known how I felt about him but for the first time I sat in the car and stared out the window and decided I am going to have to jump in if I ever want to be loved and love someone back completely. I know I love him, I really do I just never imagined I could really let myself go for someone. So I found myself pushing him away and I never realized it until this weekend. I had envisioned love being something else, and he told me before "I expected someone to not make mistakes". So here it is after 2 years of being single and confused about relationships and love and men and me!! I love this man I truly do. I know it might not be forever and I know it may be hard as hell and I know in the end I could end up with my heart shattered; BUT I am going to give this one a solid try I am actually going to see where this goes and let this things called "love" show me the way for once.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Friday, December 3, 2010
Top Pick Up Lines of the Week!
me: "hey, can I squeeze in here and grab a drink?"
guy: "well possibly, what is your name?"
me: looking confused replies "uhhh Lindsay"
guy: "no way your name is Lindsay, you are way too beautiful"
I am still trying to figure out if that was a compliment or if he was saying my name was ugly.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Making Choices
So today I am going to drift away from my funny dating stories, kind of try to hit a more serious topic. Things I think I have realized is leaving someone you like, someone you want things to work with is probably the hardest things ever. It is like in the back of you mind you question if you are making the right choice and debating whether things will get better or not.
I have made two hard choices in the last 2 years regarding relationships. One of the hardest was to leave my ex-husband. That was seriously the hardest choice ever. I mean, he was my best friend and for about 4 years he was the one I spent almost every moment with. Then I realized we weren't happy at all that we were trying to live a life to make each other happy and putting our happiness at jeopardy. We forgot how to love each other, and we forgot how to care about each other. Do I know if I made the right choice. Not 100%. Honestly I think we tried the most we THOUGHT we could. I think we both gave up at the end. I think for the first time, though, I started thinking about how things were comfortable with him and how he really knew me. Even though we were unhappy some of the time, we seemed to be more of a team. I know that I want to be a team with someone I decide to be with again.
Just recently I had to make another hard choice. I wouldn't say one of the hardest, but I had to make a choice to leave a relationship I was in, with someone I thought maybe could be someone I could actually try again with. I felt like one day I woke up and was putting myself right down the same path of being unhappy again, basically settling for a relationship where giving up and just having a repetitive relationship was inevitable, again. I felt like i was expecting to much of him and trying to change him. I felt I also wasn't getting enough from him in return. I don't want to change someone though, I don't want someone to feel obligated to call me, spend time with me, be around me, or anything along those lines. I want someone who just wakes up (most times haha) thinking about me. Someone who when they look at their phone thinks about calling me. I am not looking for a fairy tale either because I know that is just not even possible, but I just want someone to actually want me and try for me, just as hard as I am trying for them.
Honestly I want to see if it is possible for me to fall in love again. It seems to me when something goes wrong I give up and put up a wall and then honestly just know that things are done. I feel quite heartless lately, almost like I might care more about protecting myself than giving someone else a chance. I am getting older and learning more and more but I feel like opening as a friend is easier for me than opening up as a lover and a partner. I feel like I am just holding so much in.
I am going to quote myself in this post:
I have made two hard choices in the last 2 years regarding relationships. One of the hardest was to leave my ex-husband. That was seriously the hardest choice ever. I mean, he was my best friend and for about 4 years he was the one I spent almost every moment with. Then I realized we weren't happy at all that we were trying to live a life to make each other happy and putting our happiness at jeopardy. We forgot how to love each other, and we forgot how to care about each other. Do I know if I made the right choice. Not 100%. Honestly I think we tried the most we THOUGHT we could. I think we both gave up at the end. I think for the first time, though, I started thinking about how things were comfortable with him and how he really knew me. Even though we were unhappy some of the time, we seemed to be more of a team. I know that I want to be a team with someone I decide to be with again.
Just recently I had to make another hard choice. I wouldn't say one of the hardest, but I had to make a choice to leave a relationship I was in, with someone I thought maybe could be someone I could actually try again with. I felt like one day I woke up and was putting myself right down the same path of being unhappy again, basically settling for a relationship where giving up and just having a repetitive relationship was inevitable, again. I felt like i was expecting to much of him and trying to change him. I felt I also wasn't getting enough from him in return. I don't want to change someone though, I don't want someone to feel obligated to call me, spend time with me, be around me, or anything along those lines. I want someone who just wakes up (most times haha) thinking about me. Someone who when they look at their phone thinks about calling me. I am not looking for a fairy tale either because I know that is just not even possible, but I just want someone to actually want me and try for me, just as hard as I am trying for them.
Honestly I want to see if it is possible for me to fall in love again. It seems to me when something goes wrong I give up and put up a wall and then honestly just know that things are done. I feel quite heartless lately, almost like I might care more about protecting myself than giving someone else a chance. I am getting older and learning more and more but I feel like opening as a friend is easier for me than opening up as a lover and a partner. I feel like I am just holding so much in.
I am going to quote myself in this post:
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Slasher
OK so this one isn't really a dating story, and honestly I will probably have more about being hit on then actually dating. I may be horrible at dating and picking who I date but I think I have way better stories about me or my friends being hit on.
I just recently moved to Northern Washington. I know out of the city, what was i thinking?? Anyway, so I moved up north and there is this cute little bar. It is the typical small town bar where everyone goes there and knows everyone so when I went there everyone knew I was new or didn't belong.
So this day I go in and walk up to the bar. There were two empty seats so I look over to the guy off to the right and say, "are these seat taken?"
He does the drunk wobble back and forth a bit and says, "ya both of them are...wait no I mean the one next to me isn't but the other one is...so you have to sit next to me."
I stared at him and moved the chair away from him a bit and sat down. I looked the bartender and order a beer and grabbed the menu.
The guy next to me leans over basically all over me and breaths on me, "what are you order? Are you hungry??"
"uhhhh yes I'm hungry, and I'm ordering a chicken sandwich." I say a bit disturbed.
He looks at the bartender and practically screams, "hey I'll get what she is getting. So two of whatever she ordered. With tarter sauce."
My eyes at this point are huge and basically asking for help from any of the surrounding guests. Then I hear, "so what's your name." Now you have to imagine this being slurred by a skinny, trucker looking , mid 20's, male.
"My name is Lindsay, what is your name?"
"My name is Briiiiiaaaaannn. So whatcha do?"
"I'm an apartment manager Brian."
Brian closes his eyes a bit and squints, "how do you feel about that? I mean you are here and you manage apartments?"
" I am not sure what you mean."
"You know....You manage apartments and well you are here...ya know?"
"hmmmm....no I don't know." and finally the food shows up. THANK GOD.
As our food is placed in front of us Brian says, " hakuna matata. Do you know what that mean?"
"yes it means no worried. Honestly, Brian, I think most people know that.?"
At this point brian gets all worked up and yells, "no, no!! I bet this guy next to me doesn't. Wanna bet?"
"Sure Brian I will bet you a beer he does." I really didn't care I was just hoping the conversation would end.
"Hey you," he said leaning all over the guy to his right. "Do you know what hakuna matata means."
Third party, nice male says," uhh no I honestly have no idea. I think I once knew but I don't"
I took a deep breath, "well Brian I owe you a beer."
Brian puts his arm around me and says, "no you owe me a kiss."
I lean away from him and state, "actually Brian the deal was a beer, NOT a kiss."
He tries to pull me closer, "You know it's worthy of a kiss, and you know you want to kiss me, come on."
Again I said no, and stood up and moved to the seat next to mine, further from him.
He stands up a bit swaying like there was some sort of breeze in the bar, "Oh what you are going to deny this? You want to kiss me and I was right so you owe me."
This is where I continued to eat and ignore him and text my friends about the situation. Then out of the corner of my eyes I see Brians arm lean over and he starts eating my fries. YES EATING MY FREAKING FRIES. So I have to comment at this point, "sooooo are you going to start drinking my beer next without asking."
Obviously I didn't think that comment through because his next reaction was to smile and lean over and try to grab my beer.
I finally was able to fully ignore him and just talk to the bartender, and after a while I believe he got tired of trying to get my attention and he put on his coat and left.
Shortly after he left another gentleman at the bar came up and said to me, "So did you enjoy talking to Slasher?"
Automatically my eyes got huge and I looked at him and hesitantly asked, "why is his name slasher?" Where after I was told how "slasher" had a girlfriend that one day disappeared and no one has seen or hear from her since.
At this point I am contemplating two things. One why did I move to this city, and two should I change my name???
I just recently moved to Northern Washington. I know out of the city, what was i thinking?? Anyway, so I moved up north and there is this cute little bar. It is the typical small town bar where everyone goes there and knows everyone so when I went there everyone knew I was new or didn't belong.
So this day I go in and walk up to the bar. There were two empty seats so I look over to the guy off to the right and say, "are these seat taken?"
He does the drunk wobble back and forth a bit and says, "ya both of them are...wait no I mean the one next to me isn't but the other one is...so you have to sit next to me."
I stared at him and moved the chair away from him a bit and sat down. I looked the bartender and order a beer and grabbed the menu.
The guy next to me leans over basically all over me and breaths on me, "what are you order? Are you hungry??"
"uhhhh yes I'm hungry, and I'm ordering a chicken sandwich." I say a bit disturbed.
He looks at the bartender and practically screams, "hey I'll get what she is getting. So two of whatever she ordered. With tarter sauce."
My eyes at this point are huge and basically asking for help from any of the surrounding guests. Then I hear, "so what's your name." Now you have to imagine this being slurred by a skinny, trucker looking , mid 20's, male.
"My name is Lindsay, what is your name?"
"My name is Briiiiiaaaaannn. So whatcha do?"
"I'm an apartment manager Brian."
Brian closes his eyes a bit and squints, "how do you feel about that? I mean you are here and you manage apartments?"
" I am not sure what you mean."
"You know....You manage apartments and well you are here...ya know?"
"hmmmm....no I don't know." and finally the food shows up. THANK GOD.
As our food is placed in front of us Brian says, " hakuna matata. Do you know what that mean?"
"yes it means no worried. Honestly, Brian, I think most people know that.?"
At this point brian gets all worked up and yells, "no, no!! I bet this guy next to me doesn't. Wanna bet?"
"Sure Brian I will bet you a beer he does." I really didn't care I was just hoping the conversation would end.
"Hey you," he said leaning all over the guy to his right. "Do you know what hakuna matata means."
Third party, nice male says," uhh no I honestly have no idea. I think I once knew but I don't"
I took a deep breath, "well Brian I owe you a beer."
Brian puts his arm around me and says, "no you owe me a kiss."
I lean away from him and state, "actually Brian the deal was a beer, NOT a kiss."
He tries to pull me closer, "You know it's worthy of a kiss, and you know you want to kiss me, come on."
Again I said no, and stood up and moved to the seat next to mine, further from him.
He stands up a bit swaying like there was some sort of breeze in the bar, "Oh what you are going to deny this? You want to kiss me and I was right so you owe me."
This is where I continued to eat and ignore him and text my friends about the situation. Then out of the corner of my eyes I see Brians arm lean over and he starts eating my fries. YES EATING MY FREAKING FRIES. So I have to comment at this point, "sooooo are you going to start drinking my beer next without asking."
Obviously I didn't think that comment through because his next reaction was to smile and lean over and try to grab my beer.
I finally was able to fully ignore him and just talk to the bartender, and after a while I believe he got tired of trying to get my attention and he put on his coat and left.
Shortly after he left another gentleman at the bar came up and said to me, "So did you enjoy talking to Slasher?"
Automatically my eyes got huge and I looked at him and hesitantly asked, "why is his name slasher?" Where after I was told how "slasher" had a girlfriend that one day disappeared and no one has seen or hear from her since.
At this point I am contemplating two things. One why did I move to this city, and two should I change my name???
MMMMMMMMMMM guy
So, I don't know how many of you have met a guy that distinctly reminds you of the jersey shore show but I have!!! This guy hung out in a group of friends that I hung out with. Attached to this article is a basic picture of what he looked like. Add about 12 silver chains and a white bandanna.
When we first met it was at a Karaoke night. Nothing big just a, hi who are you, nice to meet you type greeting. He started telling my friends quickly that he was interested in me. He was in his mid 30's (which those of you who know me, know that isn't really out of my age range). Anyway I thought we could at least be friends so I gave him my number and occasionally he would text me and invite me over or out...which I NEVER accepted the offers. I was always "busy" as to I didn't want to lead him on.
A few times we would go out and somehow be wearing the same color shirt and he would say things like, "wow look at that, must be a sign, we a basically dressed a like." Which in a way I kind of took as a bit of an insult. Then the texting increased.
Not to say this is funny at all mainly kind of creepy. He ended up in the hospital for almost having a stroke. He texted me and said he instantly thought of me and him and if we were to have a family and how he felt like I could be someone to take care of him. That text resulted in no response. Then one day I received this texting back and forth:
Him : Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: ....
Him: mmmmmmm what's good girl?
me: uhhh I'm not sure...my lunch is pretty good.
Him: I want to see you, want to come over?
Then no response. An hour later:
Him: mmmmmmmmm
nothing back, 10 min later.
Him: mmmmmmmmmmm
really this could go on forever. Now before, in the middle and after all those texts I would receive a picture message from him of him with his wife beater on jeans and white bandanna and a message above either saying, "me getting ready to go to the store," "me at the store," or "me just getting ready".
Eventually he I think got the fact that I was no longer interested and sent me the following:
Him: so girl...I hear you might be dating other people. I thought we had something but (insert my friends name here) wants to go out and go on a date.
Me: Awesome she is great you should do it.
Him: ohhh ok...ya I guess I will give her a shot. I dig you though....
Me: ya I'm just not looking for anything. So you should pursue other options.
Him: ya ok...sooo I'm going to go on a date with her.
Me: cool good luck friend.
Him: ya tomorrow.
Me: great, I hope it goes well.
Him: ya....
So luckily that ended. I will say though now all of my friends will send me random messages of "mmmmmmmmm".
It's on guy....
This guy is actually, or should I say was a good friend of mine. We used to go hang out at karaoke bars, grab beers together, ect. Just recently I had invited him over for some beers and to help me pack for a big move. Apparently doing this gave him the wrong idea.
So he comes over and we pop open the beers and start packing a few bags and catching up on times, since it had been months since I had last seen him. I told him about my recent boyfriend and about my move. That only last a short time and he asked me to play my guitar. It had been a good few months since he heard me play and he wanted to hear some of my new songs.
We sat in the living room as I played and the whole time he was just singing along or watching me play. Eventually it got a bit weird and he said, "wow, it seriously turns me on when you play your guitar." So I kind of stopped and said, "uhhh thank you, but maybe I should stop."
He got a bit flustered and said, "well wait you invited me over here only to just do nothing? I mean I came over and brought beer."
I replied, "well we are friends, I have a boyfriend, you were suppose to help me back."
" well I thought it was on. Don't pretend like it's on if it isn't on. If it's on it's on and if it's not it's not. I could make you happier, and well I just thought it was on."
I just stood there looking at him a bit dumbfounded. So I said, "If you came here for sex you should just leave, because that isn't what is going to happen."
He started pacing through my kitchen saying things like, "what, I just, ugh, well...hmmm...so it's not on? fuck...i guess I'm leaving. But you shouldn't lead people on....Don't pretend it's on when it isn't on."
Again just just stood there while he put his coat on and walked out the front door.
Minutes later this is the texting that went on:
Him: Lindsey. Its cool. Don't lead anyone on to think its on. But whatever u say. say whatever u think its on.
Me: I didn't lead you on.
Him: If ur gonna find something. Tell them not me. I think ur outstanding. U just think ur shit. I don't.
Me: ok
Him: That's cool. U got it just don't change things when we are in the middle of everything.
Me: We weren't in the middle of anything (enter his name here).
Him: I know. Ur good.
Me: ok
Him: Whatever I guess picked the right time. Ur good.
Me: What? Maye we can just talk tomorrow.
Then followed by two phone calls I didn't answer. I will have to say this is now the new phrase used to me when anyone is around me:
"Is it on? Don't say it's on if it isn't on."
Ps. My friend dedicates this song to this man:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFrCLRPvZe4
So he comes over and we pop open the beers and start packing a few bags and catching up on times, since it had been months since I had last seen him. I told him about my recent boyfriend and about my move. That only last a short time and he asked me to play my guitar. It had been a good few months since he heard me play and he wanted to hear some of my new songs.
We sat in the living room as I played and the whole time he was just singing along or watching me play. Eventually it got a bit weird and he said, "wow, it seriously turns me on when you play your guitar." So I kind of stopped and said, "uhhh thank you, but maybe I should stop."
He got a bit flustered and said, "well wait you invited me over here only to just do nothing? I mean I came over and brought beer."
I replied, "well we are friends, I have a boyfriend, you were suppose to help me back."
" well I thought it was on. Don't pretend like it's on if it isn't on. If it's on it's on and if it's not it's not. I could make you happier, and well I just thought it was on."
I just stood there looking at him a bit dumbfounded. So I said, "If you came here for sex you should just leave, because that isn't what is going to happen."
He started pacing through my kitchen saying things like, "what, I just, ugh, well...hmmm...so it's not on? fuck...i guess I'm leaving. But you shouldn't lead people on....Don't pretend it's on when it isn't on."
Again just just stood there while he put his coat on and walked out the front door.
Minutes later this is the texting that went on:
Him: Lindsey. Its cool. Don't lead anyone on to think its on. But whatever u say. say whatever u think its on.
Me: I didn't lead you on.
Him: If ur gonna find something. Tell them not me. I think ur outstanding. U just think ur shit. I don't.
Me: ok
Him: That's cool. U got it just don't change things when we are in the middle of everything.
Me: We weren't in the middle of anything (enter his name here).
Him: I know. Ur good.
Me: ok
Him: Whatever I guess picked the right time. Ur good.
Me: What? Maye we can just talk tomorrow.
Then followed by two phone calls I didn't answer. I will have to say this is now the new phrase used to me when anyone is around me:
"Is it on? Don't say it's on if it isn't on."
Ps. My friend dedicates this song to this man:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFrCLRPvZe4
Flower Dude Cont.
It's been awhile since I updated but i figured I should give you an update on flower dude. So after my HORRIBLE DATE with him I ran into him again. There is this club in downtown Seattle called Frontier Room. This club is the club I call Douche Bag Central. It is the place where you can pick up the "real winners". This is the club I met Flower Dude at, and to kind of remind you he bought me flowers and came back to my friends place trying to hang out with me all night. Then I gave him a chance by going on a date with him even though I was told by all my friends not to. This guy made me pay for like 20% of dinner. I don't think i put that down there but basically this is how the scenario went:
me: "so do you want me to help you out, split it down the middle?"
him: looks at bill total is $85. He lays down $60 and says "you can cover the rest."
uhhhh....lol
Anyway, so after the horrible date I get a facebook add from this guy. I never even gave him my last name....soooo I am curious home many pages of Lindsay's he went through to find me. Then the fact that he thought I would add him. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!
So of course I ignore the add and went on with my life.
A month or so later my girlfriends talk me in to hitting up douche bag central again. We were at the bar ordering drinks and taking pictures; out of the corner of my eye I see Flower Dude and SHIT he sees me.
So I turn quickly acting like I didn't see him and whisper to my friend, "guess who is here....flower dude."
He was seriously a creeper in almost everyone of my pictures just staring at me trying to get my attention. Then he finally approached me, "hey can we talk about the other night?" I looked at him rolled my eyes, "there isn't much to talk about honestly, so no." This went on for about a good hour or two before we left.
After we left I was getting texts continually from him:
"please give me another chance, let's just talk it out. I made a mistake. I was drunk."
Basically I sent one text back, "John* there is nothing to talk about. Have a good night."
Then it went bad, "So you really are a bitch. I thought I would give you another chance but fuck that. You are worthless."
After showing all my friends the message and telling them about the night all I hear from my friends is "We told you not to go out with him, this is your own fault."
Luckily, I have not ran into flower dude since that night.
My advice....Don't date someone who buys you flowers at 2 am!
me: "so do you want me to help you out, split it down the middle?"
him: looks at bill total is $85. He lays down $60 and says "you can cover the rest."
uhhhh....lol
Anyway, so after the horrible date I get a facebook add from this guy. I never even gave him my last name....soooo I am curious home many pages of Lindsay's he went through to find me. Then the fact that he thought I would add him. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!
So of course I ignore the add and went on with my life.
A month or so later my girlfriends talk me in to hitting up douche bag central again. We were at the bar ordering drinks and taking pictures; out of the corner of my eye I see Flower Dude and SHIT he sees me.
So I turn quickly acting like I didn't see him and whisper to my friend, "guess who is here....flower dude."
He was seriously a creeper in almost everyone of my pictures just staring at me trying to get my attention. Then he finally approached me, "hey can we talk about the other night?" I looked at him rolled my eyes, "there isn't much to talk about honestly, so no." This went on for about a good hour or two before we left.
After we left I was getting texts continually from him:
"please give me another chance, let's just talk it out. I made a mistake. I was drunk."
Basically I sent one text back, "John* there is nothing to talk about. Have a good night."
Then it went bad, "So you really are a bitch. I thought I would give you another chance but fuck that. You are worthless."
After showing all my friends the message and telling them about the night all I hear from my friends is "We told you not to go out with him, this is your own fault."
Luckily, I have not ran into flower dude since that night.
My advice....Don't date someone who buys you flowers at 2 am!
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